I’ve been thinking a lot about falling. Not the kind you might immediately imagine, like skydiving or atop an unstable chair, but the kind that jolts you in the night. The heavy breathing, cold sweating kind, that promptly interrupts a dream and snatches the breathe right out of your chest. I guess you could say that I’ve been jolted, interrupted, and reawakened. So here I sit, pushing aside my writers block and responding to one of life’s most defeating lessons; Shame.
Recently I had an experience that literally brought me to my knees with emotion (I’m sure some of you can relate). I was feeling so much at once, I couldn’t find my breath, let alone the right words or thoughts to go along with it. Admittedly, I didn’t fully understand what was happening. I mean, I had felt hurt, pain, and discomfort before, but never quite at this temperature. Never at this level. The only thing I knew was that afterwards I wanted to disconnect completely. The angry critic in me screamed, saying I wasn’t worthy of being a step-mom, wife, or even a good person. Every morning, after what I call, “the emotional jolt”, I felt exhausted, struggling to stay above my internal messaging and too tired to try anymore. Thoughts within me quietly shifted, making me believe the only way to survive was to hide, pull back risk, and befriend seclusion.
“No one wants to hear what you have to say.”
“Your work is not good.”
“You are not important.”
“No one likes you.”
“You don’t belong.”
These are the uneasy thoughts that would run through my mind on a daily bases and are superbly documented in my journal (us writers love a good reason to spill our guts on paper right?). I started replacing what normally would have been affirmations and short-term goals with judgment, fear, and loss of interest. This attitude wasn’t normal for me, it was defeating and hurtful, but I couldn’t stop. Each passing day I believed more and more that I wasn’t courageous, worthy, or significant. The stories in my head were quickly conducting my attitude and eventually, my behavior.
My sense of self was almost completely replaced before I stumbled across a talk by Brene’ Brown online. I then quickly purchased a book from her titled, “Daring Greatly”. Brene’ helped me realize that the silent, calm, reassuring dream I had been living was interrupted by a violent emotion called “shame”. She explained that shame turns into hurt, bitterness, and anger. It only knows how to respond in uneasy situations in the form of a “fight or flight” response. Shame is an emotion that I know many of us have experienced but rarely recognize. It develops differently in men (ex. not making enough money, unable to provide, showing too much emotion, being seen as weak, divorce) and in women (ex. feeling judged about mothering, perfectionism, staying thin or considered beautiful, aging, divorce) but the results are always the same. PAIN.
I originally thought my behavior was due to guilt, but quickly came to the conclusion that I was wrong on many levels. Shame loves the disguise, but they are two very different emotions. For example, guilt comes in the form of thoughts like, “Oh man, I made a mistake”, and can be a positive motivator for great change in your life. Shame on the other hand, comes in the form of “I AM a mistake.” Shame only motivates self-doubt and is dangerous because it doesn’t permit creativity, love, or understanding.
After having my “ah-ha” moment, looking back at my journals and analyzing my behavior, it was hard to deny that instead of feeling guilty for an uncomfortable encounter, I was shaming myself. In fact, like many of us do, I had been doing this on a small level my whole life and my “emotional jolt” experience was the catalyst shame needed to finish the job. Coming to this realization was difficult, but I felt relief in knowing it was fixable through the antidotes empathy, courage and vulnerability.
If I am being completely honest, this very expression of writing is my way of being vulnerable again. Nothing is more important to me than regaining my self-confidence although, I am still working through the un-coupling process of shame and guilt. I’ve started by replacing judgments with empathy for others and myself. I’ve also found the phrase, “I am enough” helpful, and created a necklace from The Giving Keys that reads, “Courage”. It reminds me to keep taking risks, doing as Ms. Brown suggests by daring greatly. Today I feel as if I’m freely falling again and my dream has gone peacefully undisturbed for a while. But I feel comfort knowing that the next time I am jolted awake by one of life’s unforeseen experiences, I’ll replace the heavy breathing with a few deep breathes, the cold sweat for a cold beverage, and acknowledge the interruption as another lesson learned.
Brene’ Brown’s Ted Talk is titled: “Listening To Shame” – google it.
Her Book is Daring Greatly (can be found on Amazon.com or audio book on iTunes)
You can create your own necklace with your unique word on it at http://www.thegivingkeys.com
haleybee 