Morning-Made

I’ve decided that women have terrible memories. We too often forget what we are truly looking for because we are caught up in our own mind and imaginations. Men, on the other hand, neither have terrible memories or terribly good ones. They just don’t know what women really want.

I awoke this morning to the dull dusk of the Salt Lake City sun rising over our towering mountains. I took my first breath from a good night sleep in over a week. The day wasn’t particularly beautiful, it was quite normal for January, but it was the feeling I awoke with…just knowing this would be a gorgeous day. Most mornings I don’t notice feelings of “good or bad” —

I just wake up empty.

Because of this, I turn to my memory for guidance, chapters of the past that I’ve written to solidify the meaning of life. I pull out chapters in my mind much like I would off a library shelf, one by one, reminding myself of the value of each changing page. Someone once told me, “the past is a story we tell ourselves”, and I haven’t yet found a witty way to disagree. The fact is, there isn’t one. Our stories and our imaginations can lie.

I can’t really speak for all women, but I have a hankering that most would agree, we love stories. From the time we are children we are fed with what life looks like; the husband, obedient children, warm family life. Maybe it looks more like travel, adventure, and higher purpose or the life “your parents never had”. It doesn’t matter the story, we all create expectations or “scripts” of how life is suppose to pan out and although I respect those stories, it’s my theory that the “perfect” man, house or job, isn’t really that perfect at all. But damn, imagining them to be is much easier than the truth isn’t it?

And so it continues, the stories we tell ourselves, the reels of tape keep rolling, and we remember the best moments – I can recite every minute of the first time I saw the Eiffel Tower, the sound of the train tracks rolling across the metal bridge, the smell of espresso in the streets, and the gentle rain falling when my husband proposed. Every bit of it.

But ask me about the first time a man cheated on me, how it felt when I was sexually abused, or the sunken realization that I’d been rejected and I seem to blank the details. Terrible memory.

This isn’t because they didn’t happen, I know they did and they were real, but these are not the stories I tell myself when I wake up. They are not the scripts I dig for when I’m looking for a reason to get out of bed.

And herein lies the problem.

Because many of us blank the details of how it feels to be betrayed, hurt, or forgotten, we do ourselves a great disservice. We can’t possibly set hard boundaries or protect the true nature of what we need if we are only caught up in the beauties of the world. Sure, the story of the handsome man with a lot of money, fast car, and great house sounds like a good one. Hell, I know plenty of women who only date men with that story… but what about his integrity? What about ours?

From my experience, men only hear the fairy tales of what women want because that’s all they see us asking for. They believe that success, money, status, and nice things are priorities over our basic needs. This leads them into what I call, “manic work mode”, stretching their time too thin and leaving their family life on the back burner. Then they wonder why we are dissatisfied when they’ve accomplished all their work goals, provided for us, and given us the life of dreams. Trust me guys, I would probably be pissed too, it’s hard work. But we must all understand the secret of life no one ever teaches us in school…

Our ability to put down our morning-made scripts and feel.

• Men, remember the feeling of a woman’s embrace, her soft skin and the satisfaction in her eyes when you opted to make dinner or watch the kids.
• Remember how it felt when she giggled, with that cute half smile because you remembered to open the door for her.
• Remember the sex. When she made love to you because she truly wanted to, with passion, not due to routine or repeated advances.

And women, we need to stop picking patterns that repeat themselves. I know I tend to talk myself into reasons why these patterns are okay, or why “I need to change my attitude”, but this is a lie. As women, we NEED to remember our pasts, not so we can be bitter bitches, but so we can set firm boundaries with the men in our lives, expressing what is truly important.

• Remember the feeling of a man gently pushing back your hair, laying a soft kiss, and saying “good morning”.
• The feeling of him noticing that someone has offended you and standing a bit closer in defense.
• The feeling of receiving a song that reminds him of you. Or a text that says “I’ll never leave you”.

If we can do this together, we regain the meaning of life and feel the delicacy of a morning kiss, the security of love, and the importance of a promise kept or a listening ear.

Being realistic about our needs is the only way to honor our past hardships. 

It is the only way to give them purpose. 

I am still left with a feeling of ease, knowing I will close my eyes tonight and I don’t need to be afraid of the morning. From the words of Oscar Wilde, “A man [or woman] who is the master of himself, can end a sorrow as easily as he can invent a pleasure.” – Put down the morning-made scripts and master your mind, your relationships, and your dreams.