Last week, on October 14th, I sat on the top of Ensign Peak in Salt Lake City, Utah and wrote about how grateful I was for my life. After trekking all the way up the mountain, I specifically wrote in my journal about how wonderful it was to know that everyone I had ever loved, was still with me. I thanked God for my health, my friends, and for a family that has loved me through thick and thin. In that moment, I felt complete.
It was just 3 days later that I learned of my good friends suicide. Stevie Ford was not just a good friend, he was one of my best. We had known each other for almost a decade, dated on and off, and he helped me through many difficult challenges. He loved me unconditionally. It never mattered who I was dating, where I was, or what my circumstances were, he ALWAYS had a way of letting me know that he loved me. Our friendship was complex, sometimes even volatile when we would have trivial disagreements, but through it all, I knew he loved me.
Stevie came to Utah every so often to see me and my dad, and in return, I would make a point to see him every time I visited California, ensuring our friendship would continued to grow. He knew of my husband, my step-kids, and the true love I had found in marriage. He always told me he found comfort in my happiness, like a true friend would. I knew of his relationships, his past and current girlfriends, the fights, the makeups. He always made me laugh with crazy stories and the adventures he was having in California without me. He called me angel, told me I had saved him. But, always left out how sick he was inside and how badly he was hurting from his bipolar diagnosis. Throughout the years of knowing each other, we would go months without talking, and at times, he seemed low or disconnected, but I never realized how deeply his sickness reached. I wish so badly I would have known, although, I can not say it would have made any difference.
On October 16th, 2012, this man I cared so deeply for, only 28 years old, lost the battle of bipolar disorder and took his own life, leaving everyone he knew stunned. The pain he felt that night I will never understand, but today I went to his funeral and finally felt a little peace. Since learning of his death I have been many things; angry, sad, lonely, depressed, sleepless, and lost. This has truly been the first time I have experienced death to this degree. It has shaken the reality of October 14th, sitting on that peak, literally feeling on top of the world and reminded me how precious life is. It has also reminded me how quickly life can change.
Tonight has been the first time I have been able to write about his death without being angry, or feeling crazy. Instead, after seeing the huge turnout, and hugging his family, I am feeling gratitude towards him. I just want to say, out to cyber space, how deeply grateful I am to have known him. Stevie saved me many times, and helped me realize that true friendship means everything. Loving someone, JUST BECAUSE YOU CHOOSE TO LOVE THEM, regardless of the small things, is the greatest gift of all. Having the opportunity to know him and have a chance to keep his memory alive by loving unconditionally and endlessly has helped me plan to move forward. I am hopeful that the tears will stop soon and smiles will replace them. It’s just a matter of time before I can talk about him without thinking of his death, and instead, his legacy. A legacy filled with artistic poems, sonnets, animations, and dreams. A legacy full of love so fierce, it left him broken. A legacy of tears, smiles, laughs and destiny.
Saying goodbye to Stevie today was one of the toughest experiences I’ve ever had, but I take comfort in one of the final poems he ever wrote me. In the last two sentences it reads, “I await your fury, and fear not of what the night may bring. Time has no dominion here, for only time could end my love for you… and I shall live forever.”
I was once your angel Steve, now you are mine. Rest peacefully my dear friend, I will not let you down.
haleybee 