Process of Healing – 10 Things People Don’t Tell You About Divorce.

I remember the smell of the ocean, stinging Mediterranean salt, the sand beneath my feet and the rosé coursing through my body, making it feel a warmth the sun cannot provide. The voices around me drifting together from the people on the beach, some visitors, natives of Spain, and some European vagabonds speaking together in chaotic unison. These were the summers of my past, months of travel and learning more about people from their facial expressions than their languages. These were the summers of my marriage… a marriage that has now ended.

Over the course of my divorce, I’ve learned that people are not completely forthcoming with what they tell you in the failure of marriage. Once you’ve decided to walk away, you will likely hear things like;

“You will be okay.”

“You deserve happiness.”

“Your new life awaits you!”

Or my personal favorite: “Take care of yourself.”

But there are so many things that no one warns you about. Maybe it’s because they don’t really know how… after-all, painful situations are uncomfortable for everyone. But here are 8 steps of divorce people won’t tell you;

1. You will lie flat on your apartment floor, looking up at the ceiling fan and with each passing blade, feel the cold tears on your face race towards the ground.
2. Divorce is numbing. There will be days you feel absolutely nothing. Your movements will be robotic because honey, this is shock.
3. You will yell repeatedly at the electronics in your house because you have no idea how to set them up or use them. This was always his job, damnit.
4. You will wake up in the middle of the night, look through the shades of your bedroom window, and wonder why you are alone, then close them quickly because you feel unprotected.
5. You will feel rejected. Horribly rejected (cue a loss of confidence).
6. People will be intrusively interested in your drama, but mostly because they want table gossip for their drab lives. You’ll figure those ones out quickly darling, don’t take it personal.
7. You will feel all the stages of loss, but after the anger leaves and you are able to gain a realistic perspective again, prepare for the unexpected triggers (smells, food, buildings, even driving through neighborhoods. The list is endless.) then tears, and more tears. Don’t try and keep them in, just invest in cool cucumbers and a good night cream for your puffy eyes.
8. And finally, you will dream of your past life often. This will happen so vividly, that you must wake yourself up and walk around your apartment a few times, remembering where you are and why. You will call out for your dog, your cat, but they won’t come and if you are able to fall back asleep, you’ll hold your pillow a little tighter and be more grateful for your clocked zzz’s.

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I read once that “after the big hurt, comes blinding radiance”, which I didn’t fully understand until I went through each and every one of these 8 stages, or rather, the “big hurt”. Through this, I’ve realized that my nostalgic need to reminisce over my past lately serves a purpose. Nostalgia makes its presence known before we can truly live forward. I call this step 9.

Here’s the beauty in getting through all the steps and 1 more thing people won’t tell you;

10. It is the moment you realize you are okay alone, you can date and have loving feelings towards yourself and others and you are capable of being vulnerable. You know you can get through gut-retching defeat and you start looking at yourself in the mirror with strength, more confidence, finding beauty inward and exuding beauty outward. People will start to see your real smile, the true self, a rawer YOU. And most importantly, you will be liberated.

I may not be basking in the Mediterranean sun anymore, snuggling up to a cold glass of rosé, but I sure as hell love the smell of the trees as I walk to my nearest coffee shop and the sound of the bells from the Cathedral at 8:00am. I adore the voices of the friends who have always been there for me and I’ve stopped taking belly-jerking laughter or sips of wine for granted. I’ve gained an unspoken appreciation for people in my life, old and new, who have reached out their hands and offered their hearts. And last but not least, it’s thrilling to receive a paycheck doing what I love, having earned my independence with each and every penny. These are the summers of my present and these, are the blindly radiant pieces of healing.