25.

It was 1996; The sky was bright blue, the clouds shifting in silence above the heads of 6 bright-eyed children. I was among them, bobbing my long blonde hair in the water, pretending that my legs were somehow connected, swinging them back and forth. I remember the elated feeling of being in the cold water on that warm day, my mom’s eyes closely watching as I played with a group of my friends in our backyard pool. In that moment I was overcome with life. I could be whatever my mind could imagine, whether it was a sleeping beauty, a ninja turtle, or a beautiful mermaid; I was totally unafraid.

Then I blinked.

I’m a freshman in high school, feeling pushed into the unknown and terrified. I had gained a little weight (okay a lot), suffered from low self-esteem, and shy. The sweat from one of my armpits was unforgiving as I prepared myself to meet my older counterparts and sit with classmates twice my size. It was horribly embarrassing, so I withdrew from hugging anyone and of course, never raised my hand in class. I was nervous almost all of the time, hiding it from others by over exaggerating my darker side. I dyed my hair brown, wore mostly black, and kept to myself; I was secluded.

Then I blinked.

Now I’m just 17, although, if I’m being completely honest, I don’t remember much. I had recently moved back from a short stint in California and was just trying to regain a sense of self. I tried alcohol. I tried drugs. I had sex. I forgot a lot and made plenty of mistakes. I was lost.

Then I blinked.

Nineteen years old and living on my own in downtown Salt Lake City. Fate had struck me with some luck and I scored a great job making decent money and I was young hearted for the first time in years. Sure, I was with the wrong boyfriend and had my ups and downs, but I was finally starting to gain my independence and learning to be responsible for my own actions. I stopped blaming my parents for my mishaps and began what would be a blossoming relationship with them both. I found a group of friends who were uplifting, self-encouraging, and free. I was excited.

Then I blinked.

Skip to 2010 and I’m madly in love. I would say this was the kind of love that happens in fairytales but I would be lying because it was much more than that. It was a real love, intense, and familiar yet compromising. It held a depth I couldn’t have dreamed up and with it came a whirlwind of new experiences. I was engaged to be a new wife and step-mom. My confidence was through the roof and life seemed to fly past me with certain rage. I couldn’t contain my hearts desires or my minds rapid thoughts. Nor could I decipher the two from each other. I was free.

Then I blinked and I’m sitting at my computer, right now, condensing my youth on the eve of my 25^th birthday. Thinking back on all of the moments of my past quarter of a century. I look and sometimes my heart sinks with pain. Oh the mistakes I’ve made. Just as quickly, I think of the shining moments, the adventures, and the growth. Oh, my heart soars.

I have experienced more joy than I deserve and more heartache than I would have ever expected, although I recognize I’ve become a better woman for it all. Still, as I reminisce, there is this part of me that wishes I could have changed some things. I wish I could have told my 7 year old self in 1996 to keep her imagination alive. To stay unafraid of the world and what people thought. I wish I could have told her to stay out of hiding in high-school, to shine, and raise both hands. I would have promised her that once she was out of that building and on her own, she’d realize that everyone was just as scared as she was all of those years. After all, we are all human beings battling our own demons.

If I had the chance, I would have changed nothing about being 17. I wouldn’t have even given advice because there is no way she would have taken it. In fact, I have let that part of my life go. It’s forgiven.

At 19 I would have asked her to stay proud of what she believe’s and to keep reaching for her highest potential. Dream big and keep smiling. I also would have mentioned a few boyfriends that were no good and a scary neighbor who I nicknamed “Bucktooth Billy Joe Hansen”… yeah, stay far away from him 19, he’s up to no good.

As for 21, I would have asked her to slow down. Take in the moments without planning your next event. Cherish your friendships because the next few years will test them. I’d suggest that she watches her back in the coming years because people change and so will she. Lastly, 21 deserves a round of applause for making me realize that good exists in everything; you just have to look a little deeper.

Right now as I sit alone, those are just a few things I am promising to remember as I move forward. The rest would be to love unconditionally but don’t make the mistake of being walked on. Set solid boundaries. Be more aware of life’s process, knowing that everything is temporary. This means you better learn to love yourself and gain a sense of independence. Keep laughing, and making crazy videos. Dress up, apply lipstick and throw on your favorite pair of shoes. Nothing is ever guaranteed except your attitude and the way you carry yourself.

Honestly, I have no predictions for the next 25 years because I know better than that. The only thing I know for certain is that I won’t let it pass me by without a few quiet moments to take it in…

Blink.

Dear”S”.

I think it’s time we break up. I know, I’m sorry.

Actually, if I’m being completely honest, I’m not sorry at all. I’ve been wanting to this for a while and I’ve known for a few months that it wasn’t working between us. When I met you in Miami last year, our relationship felt full of promise, love and excitement. But I must say, it’s been a bit tough around the edges.

Some people called you The Year of The Snake and in true form you were majestic but sneaky. At times your approach was more than I could bear, and at other times, it was perfectly centered for my soul. I couldn’t wrap my mind around all of the changes in color, shape, and size you took. Truly Snake, you swept me off my feet many times. I want to thank you for those experiences but respectfully ask you to let me go.

Call it a “love-hate” thing or whatever you wish as long as you don’t wish for an apology from me. I was in over my head when I made many decisions over the past 12 months. I’ll admit that much, but I do so with the knowledge that I did my very best. You’ve changed me unlike anything ever has by forcing me to face my fears. You tested boundaries I never knew existed and opened doors I thought were merely windows. I will miss those exhilarating parts of you.

In return for your kindnesses, I won’t ask for an apology from you either. This is because you’ve continually taught me that sometimes our human need for an apology is unnecessary. It becomes crippling. You’ve also taught me that I’m stronger than any “I’m sorry” anyone could offer.

I also wanted to clarify my gratitude to you for keeping my family safe throughout our time together. You’ve warmed my heart, taught me the value of the people I love most, and what it means to find a quiet moment alone to embrace the stillness. Recently you pointed out that I must face my negative emotions head on, instead of covering them up with all my positivity bullsh*t. Admittedly, you were passive-aggressive from the start, but your technique was heard loud and clear. Maybe it was exactly what I needed. From the winter coffee shop sessions, to the balconies of Barcelona, and the many new faces along the way, it was a wild ride.

Maybe if you aren’t too heartbroken by our recent demise (and I’m assuming you aren’t because you are a year and not a human), you can put in a good word to your friend “The Horse”.  I hear he’s tall, mature, strong on his feet, and unpredictable. Sounds like another crazy adventure starts soon and because of you, if I’m being completely honest, I am ready.

Yours truly,

H

The.Porch.

When I was a kid, my summers meant the beginning of a new adventure beneath the Henry Mountains of Southern Utah. The town was called Hanksville and it was here that I hid from the outside world. There wasn’t really anything spectacular in this town. In fact, most people would drive through it and wonder, “why would anyone live here?” Indeed, it was in the middle of the red covered desert, only had one gas station, two small burger shacks, a bed and breakfast, and a grocery store that was the size of the local trailers. Not only this, but the place was known for it’s constant change in population due to the fact that no one stayed long. Most drifters were just looking for a little work before moving on to the next city, but as unlikely as it sounds, I found a sense of self, purpose, and home here.

Hanksville is where my Grandma Joy lived, along with a few other relatives. They were country folk, didn’t ask for much, and worked their tails off among the sage brush. My aunt owned the local eatery called “Blondies” where I earned a little extra cash making shakes for the weary travelers and motorcycle gangs reeving through. I also worked along my grandma’s side selling indian jewelry and making beds at her 3 bedroom bed and breakfast.

As a teen I was able to do far more in this small town than the big city. Here I could drive a four-wheeler, help passerby’s, ride horses, and even drive the car (shh I was 12) to the grocery store to get our favorite snack; 2 ‘Big Hunks’, and a Crème Soda. It literally took about 30 minutes to walk from one end of town to the other, 15 minutes by tractor, 5 minutes by horse. I remember sitting on my grandmother’s porch every night, counting the vast amount of stars in the sky and listening to the coyotes howl in the distance.

As a teen, I felt my busy life at school and in the city had me focusing more on what I wanted to “have” or “do” to prove myself. But here amongst the stairs, I could just be whatever I wanted, a cowgirl, an Indian, or just an awesome burger chief. It didn’t matter. In Hanksville, I was my truest self. I was Haley.

I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about this place and what it meant to me since my grandma’s passing last October. I think about how those quiet moments on her porch shaped who I am and how I view the world.  Many times I thought about how Hanksville contradicted my normal day to day life and what I was being taught to value. Back at home, it seemed we focused more on two things:

1. Increasing your material wealth (what you have)

2. Improving your skills (what you do)

But on that porch and with my Grandmother rocking beside me, there was only one lesson that was emphasized:

3. Developing your “being” (who you are)

As an adult, I have witnessed many people live for the first two. Don’t get me wrong, these are great goals to have, but I believe the most fundamental goal is to develop a good sense of WHO you are during the process. For me, it took travelling to a deserted town every summer to discover who I was over and over again. It gave me an opportunity to accept myself without distraction or expectation. All the things that bothered me back home seemed to disappear, making it easy to live fully in the present. Since then I’ve had to learn how to do this without the stillness of grandma’s porch, but rather, with the added distractions of adulthood.

I feel grateful every day that I have those memories. They encouraged me to push the pressures of adulthood aside and live in the present, leading with the curiosity of my teenage heart. I would encourage anyone reading to take yourself to your quiet place; the ocean, atop a mountain, in a tree, or on the porch. Take yourself anywhere that you can Be Silent, Be Present, Be Conscious, and most importantly, Be You….

(Last year I was able to bring my step-children and husband to Hanksville and show them my country roots, telling them stories of my adventures along the way.)

Certain.About.UnCertainty

“It’s extremely immature to post things like this on the web… Don’t be like the teenage girls who ruin their relationships online.”

“I’m a reader of yours and I wasn’t pleased with this. One thing you don’t want floating around is all your problems. You look desprate..”

These are just a few of the comments I’ve received on my blog lately. Obviously, you can see that they are not very encouraging. I am sharing them with my public audience because I’d like to talk about the uncertainty I stepped into before I began my journey of writing. I’ve been writing since I was a child. Most of it can be found hidden away in my private journal, waiting for someone to stumble upon after I’ve died. Some of it, including much of my experience as a stepparent, newlywed, sister, and friend has been shared publicly on my blog and on the website www.livethroughtheheart.com (LTTH).

When I agreed to allow my writing to be shared with over 1200 subscribers, I was scared to death to share my stories. Scared to be honest. Scared to try. But every time I pushed the opportunity away, something inside me pushed back. Something encouraged me to step out of my comfort zone and start being real. At times I still feel scared and vulnerable but it has been one of the most rewarding and challenging experiences of my whole life. I’ve struggled with the knowledge that not everyone will see my journey in a positive way and sometimes makes me want to close my heart completely.

There are many occurrences in life that we face uncertainty and judgment for the decisions we make. Whether you are a mother, CEO, sister, student, or employee, we all face uncertainty in our actions. What I’ve learned from others and through my experience is that it is our uncertainty in life that sets us free. It was best written by Cort Davies on his new blog An Inspiring Existence when he said, “Without uncertainty and the unknown, life is mediocre and uneventful.  It limits anyones ability to achieve greatness.  It becomes an existence of quiet desperation.” I couldn’t agree more. We are born into an uncertain world, so it’s no surprise that we scramble for security and make ourselves miserable in the process. We weren’t meant to be secure, we are meant to take risks.

Because I jumped into this journey without the knowledge of where it might take me, I started receiving emails and comments that are encouraging, reaffirming my intentions.

“Haley, I just read your post and loved it. It was like you were a fly on my wall… Thank you.”

“Your blog post today was really touching! You are a beautiful writer and I really appreciated what you wrote today… I think what you are feeling is what most people feel and most people don’t have the courage to allow it to be as real as the written words you shared!”

To those of you who are currently uncertain about what you are doing, scared to jump into a new challenge, or just scared. Period. I encourage you to do the thing you are most afraid of. It may be a struggle because change always is, but it is worth every ounce of strength. Don’t let others deter your dreams. Keep reaching for freedom from mediocrity.  Be different and don’t be sorry.

Thank you to my loving husband, stepkids, and family for always supporting me.

Find more on Cort Davies’ blog http://www.aninspiringexistence.com

.Happiness.

He sat grinning ear to ear in a jail cell among a purse thief, a teen who “should have known better”, and an alcoholic who didn’t know where she was yet. The man smiling had innocently cut down a few trees near his property line and it landed him in this cell with the others, facing a hefty fine. A guard walked up and knocked on the bars, fixing his gaze on the cheerful man.

“Why are you smiling?! I wouldn’t be smiling if I were you!” the guard sputtered.

“You can try to make my life hell sir, but you can’t take my happiness. You can’t take my smile.” he politely responded.

Xavier is a friend of mine who lives with his beautiful wife in Spain. I was delighted when he shared this story with me because it truly fits his personality in every way. While he was telling it, he was giddy, laughing about the ridiculous amount of money those trees cost him. You’d think most people would tell a story like this and be upset, holding a grudge and frustrated with the law itself. But not Xavier, he just laughs.

Lately I’ve thought a lot about this story and the many people I know who have gone through the process of divorce. I see how easily individuals get lost in what lawyers, judges, or even friends tell them. It makes it increasingly difficult to listen to your heart when all of those opinions are surrounding you. Personally, I’ve watched my mom, dad, husband, and many others endure great suffering due to this and I’ve been inspired lately to share Xavier’s example of pure happiness.

Whenever someone tries to push you around or manipulate you, smile.

Whenever life throws you a new curve ball, laugh.

The truth is, it works. It has been proved by social scientist Amy Cuddy and her colleagues that your mind follows your body language. In one of her speeches, she explains how our minds react to the position of our bodies. Observe your body right now, are you slumped, legs crossed, head down? Or are your shoulders pushed out, hands on your hips, and head up? Are you smiling, frowning, or straight faced? Either way, it directly affects your mood and your confidence.

As I said, it has been a bit rocky lately trying to push aside the past and rebuild the future but I take relief in knowing that I have control over my own happiness. No one owns it but me. So the next time circumstances test your limits, trying lifting your head, smiling and saying, “you can try to make my life hell, but you can’t take my happiness. You can’t take my smile.”

.Amenamaste.

She woke up quietly, tip toed to the end of her bed, and things went silent. The cool ocean breeze from the bedroom window brushed across my face as I pretended to sleep. I kept anticipating her next move; the shower turning on, steps around the house, breakfast being made, but I heard nothing. Silence. It was just a few moments later that I heard a slight shift near the end of the bed and I understood. My girlfriend Jen was meditating.

After she was finished and walked out of the room I dragged myself out of the covers behind her and started asking questions. I wanted to know how she achieved such a state of mind, how long she had been doing this, where she bought the soft pillow to sit on and the cool metal emblems she held in her hands while she meditated. The feeling in her room that morning was so peaceful, I wanted to know how to relive it. She gave me all the basics, but struck me with a comment that I’ve since thought a lot about.  Jen told me that before she starts mediating, she prays.

“Like, to God?”

“Yeah, to God, the Universe, whatever you believe in.”

Childhood memories of my mother immediately came to my mind. Waking up before school and peeking into her room, observing her on her knees whispering to God. To this day I love that sound, the stillness and peace coming from those quiet whispers. I’ve experienced prayer and meditation in different ways, but never incorporated them together. Call me naive, stubborn even, but I stopped praying when I left my church as a teen. Prayer has been a bit taboo for me since then. Why do it if I’m not religiously affiliated and who should I “whisper” to? All of that was answered this past weekend as I witnessed my good friend praying and meditating at the same time.

This morning I tried it. Before trudging over to the coffee pot like I would normally do, I sat in front of a big window looking out into the world. Crossing my legs, closed my eyes, and with my hands in a meditative position, I prayed. I gave gratitude for the world in front of me; my friends, family and husband. I expressed my appreciation for the guidance I’ve been given throughout my journey, then asked for an open heart and a quiet mind. I whispered, “Amen” and began meditating, ending it with a reverent bow towards the ground and a quiet, “Namaste”.

The experience was uplifting, soothing, energizing and fulfilling all at the same time. I laugh a little when I think about my  failed attempts at meditation in the past. I was missing prayer. I went back to the many years I prayed as a child, feeling disconnected from what I was saying, not knowing the intention behind it. I was missing meditation. I smile as I recognized this new revolution of thought, that religious or not, prayer and meditation make a beautiful couple.

Tomorrow morning, I plan on starting my day the same way and I challenge anyone reading to join me. Before settling into your normal routine, find a quiet place in your home, away from the kids or distractions. Start with a prayer and ask for silence of the mind. Then meditate and observe.

I’d like to thank my friend Jen for our “girls weekend” and opening my eyes to this new idea. Amenamaste.

Mountain.Range

I woke up in the night and arose straight out of my bed, lurched forward, and yelped like an injured dog toward my left foot. This isn’t so abnormal lately, I just had surgery on my foot and as it stands, or lack thereof, I am a gimp. I hop around my house all day with a hot pink cane for a little support. Screaming often happens when I lose my balance and put too much pressure on my injury. But at 11:53pm last night, after automatically leaning towards my foot to see why I was hurting, I realized it was another part of my body aching. It was my heart.

People often talk about the peaks and valleys of marriage, how love is a verb, and even try to categorize people into 5 love groups to better understand each other. I feel like I’ve read it all, seen it all, talked about it all and the only conclusion I’ve come to is that marriage is complicated and takes experience. People are complicated and life is mostly about balance. Unfortunately for me, things have gotten complicated. I have lost my balance both physically and emotionally. Now I must rely on experience.

I married Adrian in September 2011. We’ve had quite an adventure so far. His business has blown up, I’ve gone back to school, and there is no shortage of travel or family in our lives. We’ve both been very blessed. When we got married, I remember distinctly telling Adrian to remember that moment forever and to hold onto the memory of all the people who supported our union. But as the years pass it seems that memory fades just a little more. Other people, places and things become a higher priority, and we have more and more moments of loneliness within our marriage. I can’t say I wasn’t warned about this and told that this is “normal” in relationships. But it still hurts and I feel a sense of loss. Facebook and social media make it easy for us to portray a false reality. One that says, “we have no problems”, “life is great”, and love is always in the air. What it doesn’t show are the lows we march through, the transitions and changes that at times create conflict. I suppose that’s okay, but it’s definitely not the whole story.

During the lows of our marriage, I find myself questioning the whole idea and institution of being tied to one person for the rest of my life. Bearing their weight and baggage… it seems overwhelming. I feel a sense of brokenness and unlike my left foot, there are no pins to place in my heart to keep it from aching. When trying to describe a “low”, I am lost for words. Empty. That’s the only thing I can think of.

I do my best to bring back the dim thought of our wedding day, the people there, and the love I felt. I go through pictures and reminisce over the “highs” we’ve had. I also find it helpful to focus on the feelings in the past when Adrian has done simple things to make me smile. Things like running around the back yard with the dog, picking out a Christmas tree, making me tea, or coming home early from work so he could spend extra time with me. These memories keep me wanting more and help me realize that the lows are just another part of this big picture and our journey together.

If you haven’t figured it out already, I am currently in a low. Physically I only have one functioning foot and emotionally, my heart is half-in. If I put too much pressure on my foot too soon, I could have a whole new set of complications. I believe the same is true with my heart. So I’ve decided to just sit still, contemplate, forgive, and focus on healing my body as well as my soul. I’ve learned that during these lows it’s important to keep compassion for the other person and have some self-control when making decisions. Never make permanent decisions based on temporary emotions. That is the motto I cling to. With this new low, I have decided to wade it through until I am well enough to climb the next mountain. I know eventually I will feel the sun on my face again as we grasp each other’s aging hands and reach another peak.

The.Void.

I love this time of year. Especially in a place like Utah where we get to see the leaves change, temperatures drop, and the Mormons gather food storage for a long winter (tee hee). Fall represents the end of another memorable summer and for many, a new chapter. School starts, a chill sets in and we begin planning our next Halloween costume. With so many changes and new beginnings forming, its no wonder lately I’ve been feeling lost in what I call “the void”.

The void happens to everyone and is best characterized by those quiet moments in your head when you go searching for meaning. I mostly feel it when I’m alone and I’m wondering what I’m doing with my life, if I’m making good decisions, and how to handle difficult situations. I find that the void enters when I question myself, question a higher power, or question my relationships. It also shows up when I’m lonely. Basically, I feel it when I’m insecure or when a new change or challenge is looking at me in the face.

Over the years it has been interesting to watch myself deal with these feelings. I’ve looked for resolve in all the wrong places including alcohol, anti-depressants, partying too much, watching The Kardashians (this will be the only time I admit that), and forcing relationships I know aren’t good for me.

I think most people would describe the void with negative connotations similar to the ones I just listed. But I’ve also seen myself do really positive things when I feel it. Things like going back to school, exercising more, reaching out to a good friend, meditation, writing, or trying something new.

The point is, the void has a great purpose in our lives. When we wake up and feel lonely or scared about a new day facing us or maybe just confused about what our purpose is, it is essential to our lives. Without the void, we could never feel real joy, true happiness or love. Without it, we could never feel sadness, depression, or emotional pain. Really, the void is just the middle ground before your next opportunity to feel human.

So next time you feel it, whether it’s the morning before you start your job or just another evening at home, remember that those feelings have a purpose and they are temporary. I urge everyone to accept it as another place our hearts must rest. Next time you feel it, I invite you to embrace it. Don’t look for ways to cover it up. Just step gracefully into the void.

Resist.No.More

 

 

Did you know that Hitler wanted to be an artist? Neither did I, until I read a passage from Steven Pressfield’s book, “The War of Art” in which he explains that Hitler indeed, moved to Vienna at eighteen years old to live and study art. He went to some pretty prestigious schools, using almost all of his inheritance to master his knowledge of art and culture. Have you ever seen his paintings? Neither have I.

Pressfield goes onto to explain that Hitler must have hit some kind of resistance in his artistic dream and instead of sitting down and looking at a blank canvas, it was easier for him to start a World War. Call it an exaggeration or whatever you’d like, but for me it seems that he chose manipulation, power and control over his childhood dream.

I often find this same struggle in my own life (don’t worry, I’m not planning a World War) when I can easily use power or manipulation to get what I want instead of using my gifts, my talents, and my knowledge to grow on my long-term dreams and aspirations. It’s almost too common for me to find some other excuse or something more important to do than sit down at my computer and polish my writing, read a book that might improve my understanding of life, or find a way to be charitable to someone else.

Now think about a goal you may have had in the past or present such as; losing weight, starting a new yoga class, going back to school, learning a new recipe, helping needy children, or waking up earlier. They all seem like such simple goals, many of which I can relate to but failed due to the resistance in my mind. The good news is that we can defeat resistance by understanding that any type of “good” goal or “life improving” goal will usually attract a lot of resistance. It’s in our DNA. Once we realize this, it will be easier to see it for what it truly is and move forward, pushing through it, and being one step closer to your life changing goals.

If you are reading this today, you are closer to your next goal, or your highest dream. You’ve taken five minutes to improve your knowledge of any resistance you may be feeling. You are five minutes closer to busting through it.

As we all know, Hitler was unable to push through his resistance and the world suffered from it, but people like Leonardo da Vinci, George Lucas, Abraham Lincoln, and the Dali Lama are just a few who are great examples of people who have made it through the resistance and accomplished their dreams. To this day we enjoy the art of da Vinci, the epic tale of Star Wars, the freedoms Abraham Lincoln provided our country, and the inspirational messages from the Dali Lama. These people are not so different from you, so don’t let anything stop you from creating your dream. Break the resistance.

2013.Vision.

I had my 6 month dentist check-up a couple days ago and I’m very happy to say I have been cavity free for 23 years of my life (I know you’ve all been wondering). I’ve never had any problems with my teeth, or gums. In fact, I am one of the few in this world that actually look forward to the dentist so he can pat me on the back and say, “well done Haley”. Funny as this may seem, I attribute my dental perfection to my mother, who wouldn’t let me leave the house or go to sleep in the evenings without brushing my teeth. Eventually, it became a habit of mine and as a result, I have spent many years of my life loving my dentist. This story might seem a bit odd but I am using a simple act, such as brushing teeth, as an example of how we teach ourselves big and small habits that eventually shape who we are.

It’s a hard concept for me to allow myself to accept, but one that continues to stand true. Simply put, we create the world we believe in. We accept what we think we deserve and we love as deeply as we feel we are loved. All of this forming around habits, which sometimes feel impossible to break. Allow me to explain…

At the age 19 I remember sitting for hours every day, working at a job I hated, in a bad relationship and gaining weight because I wasn’t exercising. All of the while I would justify my life as “what God gave me” or “the cards I was dealt”. One of my co-workers walked past me one day and made a comment about me starting to get “cankles”, or “fat ankles” in a joking manner.  At first I tried to laugh it off but then it started to get to me. You see, I didn’t have enough confidence in myself at the time to brush hurtful things off my shoulders. I took his comments and told myself “it must be true or he wouldn’t say that.” I accepted what I thought I deserved.

As deeply as it hurt, it also encouraged me to re-examine who I was and who I really wanted to be. I wasn’t living the life I wanted, in fact, I had created a place that was very unhappy. I wanted to be the fit, happier version of myself, one with confidence, spirituality and a person that could feel and give love more fully. My vision was clear and eventually it was with that vision that I started creating goals. I joined a gym and began a simple routine. Pretty soon, just like brushing my teeth, my gym routine became a habit, one that I craved every day. Not only this, but through the physical strength I gained day by day, I started to gain confidence as well, enough so that I quit my job to find something that made me happier. The love I started to feel for myself turned into love for others and so on. I look at my years before that pivotal “cankles” moment and almost laugh at the way I thought things happened. Back then, I truly believed that I could wish, pray or hope for good things without doing the work myself, not taking any responsibility for the good or bad circumstances in my life. I learned hands on that you cannot achieve goals without vision, and you cannot create your vision, without changing your habits. Big or small, habits must be broken before a new you can emerge.

From then, to now, I can honestly say I am the person I envisioned when I was 19, but even more than that. With that first vision I accomplished many more things than just living better, I gained friends, found true love, and continue to surprise myself. This may seem a bit narcissistic, but the point is, creating a new vision instead of JUST setting goals this year is the first step in changing habits and ultimately, your life. For 2013 I have done some “re-envisioning”, looking at where my life is today, and envisioning what it can be in the future.  Some habits I have decided to keep because they are serving me well, but others, gotta go.

Hard times come, and as human beings, we are faced with the unimaginable, but our visions of who we want to be can keep us from spiraling downwards and inspire us to spiral up. If you are like me, and want to continue to spiral up then observe your own habits and recognize which ones are keepers and which ones need to be thrown out. Just like brushing our teeth in the morning, we can all create a space in our daily routine to envision who we want to be and then do things that will bring us to it. This way, every 6 months we can look back and congratulate ourselves, saying “well done (insert name here)”.