Sunrise on 27 & The Risks I Took To Get Here

Today marks my 27^th year, which before, I wouldn’t have expected it to mean much. But as I sit in my bed and look through my sloppily written journals and the endless pages of changes since last year, I can honestly say this day means more than any other. Maybe it is because I no longer feel emotionally insignificant, inadequate, or insecure. Or maybe, it is an awareness that I am imperfect and I’m okay with being criticized by others.

This is huge for me.

But here’s the thing, the steps I made during the past 12 months have changed my outlook on the world and fed my once starving soul. These are things I share because I am proud of who I am and the risks I’ve taken to get here, in my favorite place, my own bed. These are the risks I took to fill the emptiness in my heart;

• I stripped the ego (as best as I knew how) and traded what I can only describe as “glitz” and false promises, for truth. In doing so I found simplicity, which is surprisingly rewarding.
• I stopped worshipping the “party” and started worshipping my work; finishing my degree and being an asset at my job.
• I crossed the Bridge of the Gods, walked through The Narrows and explored more miles on my feet than I had since my grandmother passed away, finding peace on natures path again.
• I finished 3 journals front to back, full of poetry, notes of inspiration, and prayers (yes, to God).
• I volunteered. I made a difference in peoples’ lives that couldn’t give me anything in return… only to find out, they gave me everything because they gave me their hearts (a few donuts) and their stories.
• I spent more time with my family doing what we do best, laughing.
• I figured out how to not give a shit (even though I sometimes do), and gained a new skill; Being kind about it.
• I kept myself open to love, despite paralyzing heart-ache, and found that love is everywhere, especially during the vibrant morning sunrise.

And most of all, in my 27^th year, I learned to A D O R E my once broken, bourbon sippin’, brilliant soul.

And that my friends, is worth celebrating. CHEERS.

The.Company.You.Keep.

The lights dim, the guitar player starts strumming, hands clap in perfect rhythm and the voice of a Spanish singer guides the movement of a single flamenco dancer who has taken the stage. The dancer is dressed in a beautiful black gown covered in bright sequin embellishments. Her feet follow the singer’s voice, gracefully tracing the movement of the room. The music builds and the singer becomes more passionate. In exactly the perfect moment, the dancer raises her poised hands and takes her dress for a spin while the rest of the group cheers her on. They use words of admiration and encouragement;

“Vale!”

“Ole!”

Everyone on the stage forms a circle so they can watch her, listening, and praising her every move. The audience sits silent. This is her moment and they let her have it.

I saw this stunning flamenco show in Spain while I was there with my husband this past week. The show itself provoked a lot of thought and inspiration for me. I could tell the dancer, guitar players, and singers weren’t just stage performers, they were more than that. They were friends, complimenting each other’s talents. I noticed this once again when the singer took the stage to pour his heart through song and they all stood quiet, adding to the reflection that the he was pulling out of his lungs. The guitar players consistently looked towards the others to add their smiles and excitement to the equation. They never took center stage, although it was apparent that their talents were the unsung hero’s throughout.

The whole performance was magic. It was perfectly in sync.

Since that evening I’ve thought a lot about how the show not only represents beauty and culture, but also carries a deeper meaning; the stage we all dance on in life, and the circle of people who surround us. I’ve contemplated my circle of friends and even provoked some heartwarming conversations with some of my dearest. The symbolism of the flamenco show has surprised me, inspiring me to ask a few new questions.

Do I perfectly sync together with my friends, clapping for them when they achieve greatness?

Do I stand silent, listening patiently and allow them to pour their soul without interfering?

Do I shout encouragements to friends who are under pressure to do their best?

Do I exude my love and smile towards them even when they are outshining me, knowing that at one point or another, I can rely on them to do the same?

The answer is no. I am not in perfect sync with my circle, nor do I expect myself to be. In fact, I believe I am far from it. I’ve had a lot of moments lately that I’ve wondered why some of my friendships blossom, while others slowly dissolve, taking  years and several attempts of repair only to disappear.

I have to remind myself that being a human being means I am selfish, jealous and competitive at times. But as I watched the beautiful woman in black perform with her circle of friends cheering her on, I realized that there are ways to improve my friendships and create optimal (notice I didn’t say “perfect”) rhythm within them. Here are three of the recent “light bulb” moments I’ve had:

First, you must know that there is enough room for everyone in your circle to succeed. Let your competitive side down and allow yourself to be happy for those who are having their moment. You will have your turn to spin in a beautiful dress or sing your heart felt song but until then, be patient and kind.

Second, quit comparing yourself. You have just as many gifts, talents, and beautiful parts of your soul than does anyone else on this planet. Use them, and be sure to cheer on those who have learned to use theirs.

Third, stop talking so much. Learn to listen to the rhythm of others and genuinely hear their voice. Let them guide you for once. Whether they are songs of sadness, frustration, or joy, learn to listen.

If we can all be encouraged to do this within our circles, it would create a very powerful message collectively. It has the potential to create a legacy that exudes acceptance, love, and gratitude in a world that is lacking in all of those departments. Creating an ending we can all stand for, bow, and be proud of when the lights come up and the show is over.

OLE!

The.Porch.

When I was a kid, my summers meant the beginning of a new adventure beneath the Henry Mountains of Southern Utah. The town was called Hanksville and it was here that I hid from the outside world. There wasn’t really anything spectacular in this town. In fact, most people would drive through it and wonder, “why would anyone live here?” Indeed, it was in the middle of the red covered desert, only had one gas station, two small burger shacks, a bed and breakfast, and a grocery store that was the size of the local trailers. Not only this, but the place was known for it’s constant change in population due to the fact that no one stayed long. Most drifters were just looking for a little work before moving on to the next city, but as unlikely as it sounds, I found a sense of self, purpose, and home here.

Hanksville is where my Grandma Joy lived, along with a few other relatives. They were country folk, didn’t ask for much, and worked their tails off among the sage brush. My aunt owned the local eatery called “Blondies” where I earned a little extra cash making shakes for the weary travelers and motorcycle gangs reeving through. I also worked along my grandma’s side selling indian jewelry and making beds at her 3 bedroom bed and breakfast.

As a teen I was able to do far more in this small town than the big city. Here I could drive a four-wheeler, help passerby’s, ride horses, and even drive the car (shh I was 12) to the grocery store to get our favorite snack; 2 ‘Big Hunks’, and a Crème Soda. It literally took about 30 minutes to walk from one end of town to the other, 15 minutes by tractor, 5 minutes by horse. I remember sitting on my grandmother’s porch every night, counting the vast amount of stars in the sky and listening to the coyotes howl in the distance.

As a teen, I felt my busy life at school and in the city had me focusing more on what I wanted to “have” or “do” to prove myself. But here amongst the stairs, I could just be whatever I wanted, a cowgirl, an Indian, or just an awesome burger chief. It didn’t matter. In Hanksville, I was my truest self. I was Haley.

I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about this place and what it meant to me since my grandma’s passing last October. I think about how those quiet moments on her porch shaped who I am and how I view the world.  Many times I thought about how Hanksville contradicted my normal day to day life and what I was being taught to value. Back at home, it seemed we focused more on two things:

1. Increasing your material wealth (what you have)

2. Improving your skills (what you do)

But on that porch and with my Grandmother rocking beside me, there was only one lesson that was emphasized:

3. Developing your “being” (who you are)

As an adult, I have witnessed many people live for the first two. Don’t get me wrong, these are great goals to have, but I believe the most fundamental goal is to develop a good sense of WHO you are during the process. For me, it took travelling to a deserted town every summer to discover who I was over and over again. It gave me an opportunity to accept myself without distraction or expectation. All the things that bothered me back home seemed to disappear, making it easy to live fully in the present. Since then I’ve had to learn how to do this without the stillness of grandma’s porch, but rather, with the added distractions of adulthood.

I feel grateful every day that I have those memories. They encouraged me to push the pressures of adulthood aside and live in the present, leading with the curiosity of my teenage heart. I would encourage anyone reading to take yourself to your quiet place; the ocean, atop a mountain, in a tree, or on the porch. Take yourself anywhere that you can Be Silent, Be Present, Be Conscious, and most importantly, Be You….

(Last year I was able to bring my step-children and husband to Hanksville and show them my country roots, telling them stories of my adventures along the way.)

Certain.About.UnCertainty

“It’s extremely immature to post things like this on the web… Don’t be like the teenage girls who ruin their relationships online.”

“I’m a reader of yours and I wasn’t pleased with this. One thing you don’t want floating around is all your problems. You look desprate..”

These are just a few of the comments I’ve received on my blog lately. Obviously, you can see that they are not very encouraging. I am sharing them with my public audience because I’d like to talk about the uncertainty I stepped into before I began my journey of writing. I’ve been writing since I was a child. Most of it can be found hidden away in my private journal, waiting for someone to stumble upon after I’ve died. Some of it, including much of my experience as a stepparent, newlywed, sister, and friend has been shared publicly on my blog and on the website www.livethroughtheheart.com (LTTH).

When I agreed to allow my writing to be shared with over 1200 subscribers, I was scared to death to share my stories. Scared to be honest. Scared to try. But every time I pushed the opportunity away, something inside me pushed back. Something encouraged me to step out of my comfort zone and start being real. At times I still feel scared and vulnerable but it has been one of the most rewarding and challenging experiences of my whole life. I’ve struggled with the knowledge that not everyone will see my journey in a positive way and sometimes makes me want to close my heart completely.

There are many occurrences in life that we face uncertainty and judgment for the decisions we make. Whether you are a mother, CEO, sister, student, or employee, we all face uncertainty in our actions. What I’ve learned from others and through my experience is that it is our uncertainty in life that sets us free. It was best written by Cort Davies on his new blog An Inspiring Existence when he said, “Without uncertainty and the unknown, life is mediocre and uneventful.  It limits anyones ability to achieve greatness.  It becomes an existence of quiet desperation.” I couldn’t agree more. We are born into an uncertain world, so it’s no surprise that we scramble for security and make ourselves miserable in the process. We weren’t meant to be secure, we are meant to take risks.

Because I jumped into this journey without the knowledge of where it might take me, I started receiving emails and comments that are encouraging, reaffirming my intentions.

“Haley, I just read your post and loved it. It was like you were a fly on my wall… Thank you.”

“Your blog post today was really touching! You are a beautiful writer and I really appreciated what you wrote today… I think what you are feeling is what most people feel and most people don’t have the courage to allow it to be as real as the written words you shared!”

To those of you who are currently uncertain about what you are doing, scared to jump into a new challenge, or just scared. Period. I encourage you to do the thing you are most afraid of. It may be a struggle because change always is, but it is worth every ounce of strength. Don’t let others deter your dreams. Keep reaching for freedom from mediocrity.  Be different and don’t be sorry.

Thank you to my loving husband, stepkids, and family for always supporting me.

Find more on Cort Davies’ blog http://www.aninspiringexistence.com

.Happiness.

He sat grinning ear to ear in a jail cell among a purse thief, a teen who “should have known better”, and an alcoholic who didn’t know where she was yet. The man smiling had innocently cut down a few trees near his property line and it landed him in this cell with the others, facing a hefty fine. A guard walked up and knocked on the bars, fixing his gaze on the cheerful man.

“Why are you smiling?! I wouldn’t be smiling if I were you!” the guard sputtered.

“You can try to make my life hell sir, but you can’t take my happiness. You can’t take my smile.” he politely responded.

Xavier is a friend of mine who lives with his beautiful wife in Spain. I was delighted when he shared this story with me because it truly fits his personality in every way. While he was telling it, he was giddy, laughing about the ridiculous amount of money those trees cost him. You’d think most people would tell a story like this and be upset, holding a grudge and frustrated with the law itself. But not Xavier, he just laughs.

Lately I’ve thought a lot about this story and the many people I know who have gone through the process of divorce. I see how easily individuals get lost in what lawyers, judges, or even friends tell them. It makes it increasingly difficult to listen to your heart when all of those opinions are surrounding you. Personally, I’ve watched my mom, dad, husband, and many others endure great suffering due to this and I’ve been inspired lately to share Xavier’s example of pure happiness.

Whenever someone tries to push you around or manipulate you, smile.

Whenever life throws you a new curve ball, laugh.

The truth is, it works. It has been proved by social scientist Amy Cuddy and her colleagues that your mind follows your body language. In one of her speeches, she explains how our minds react to the position of our bodies. Observe your body right now, are you slumped, legs crossed, head down? Or are your shoulders pushed out, hands on your hips, and head up? Are you smiling, frowning, or straight faced? Either way, it directly affects your mood and your confidence.

As I said, it has been a bit rocky lately trying to push aside the past and rebuild the future but I take relief in knowing that I have control over my own happiness. No one owns it but me. So the next time circumstances test your limits, trying lifting your head, smiling and saying, “you can try to make my life hell, but you can’t take my happiness. You can’t take my smile.”

.Amenamaste.

She woke up quietly, tip toed to the end of her bed, and things went silent. The cool ocean breeze from the bedroom window brushed across my face as I pretended to sleep. I kept anticipating her next move; the shower turning on, steps around the house, breakfast being made, but I heard nothing. Silence. It was just a few moments later that I heard a slight shift near the end of the bed and I understood. My girlfriend Jen was meditating.

After she was finished and walked out of the room I dragged myself out of the covers behind her and started asking questions. I wanted to know how she achieved such a state of mind, how long she had been doing this, where she bought the soft pillow to sit on and the cool metal emblems she held in her hands while she meditated. The feeling in her room that morning was so peaceful, I wanted to know how to relive it. She gave me all the basics, but struck me with a comment that I’ve since thought a lot about.  Jen told me that before she starts mediating, she prays.

“Like, to God?”

“Yeah, to God, the Universe, whatever you believe in.”

Childhood memories of my mother immediately came to my mind. Waking up before school and peeking into her room, observing her on her knees whispering to God. To this day I love that sound, the stillness and peace coming from those quiet whispers. I’ve experienced prayer and meditation in different ways, but never incorporated them together. Call me naive, stubborn even, but I stopped praying when I left my church as a teen. Prayer has been a bit taboo for me since then. Why do it if I’m not religiously affiliated and who should I “whisper” to? All of that was answered this past weekend as I witnessed my good friend praying and meditating at the same time.

This morning I tried it. Before trudging over to the coffee pot like I would normally do, I sat in front of a big window looking out into the world. Crossing my legs, closed my eyes, and with my hands in a meditative position, I prayed. I gave gratitude for the world in front of me; my friends, family and husband. I expressed my appreciation for the guidance I’ve been given throughout my journey, then asked for an open heart and a quiet mind. I whispered, “Amen” and began meditating, ending it with a reverent bow towards the ground and a quiet, “Namaste”.

The experience was uplifting, soothing, energizing and fulfilling all at the same time. I laugh a little when I think about my  failed attempts at meditation in the past. I was missing prayer. I went back to the many years I prayed as a child, feeling disconnected from what I was saying, not knowing the intention behind it. I was missing meditation. I smile as I recognized this new revolution of thought, that religious or not, prayer and meditation make a beautiful couple.

Tomorrow morning, I plan on starting my day the same way and I challenge anyone reading to join me. Before settling into your normal routine, find a quiet place in your home, away from the kids or distractions. Start with a prayer and ask for silence of the mind. Then meditate and observe.

I’d like to thank my friend Jen for our “girls weekend” and opening my eyes to this new idea. Amenamaste.

Mountain.Range

I woke up in the night and arose straight out of my bed, lurched forward, and yelped like an injured dog toward my left foot. This isn’t so abnormal lately, I just had surgery on my foot and as it stands, or lack thereof, I am a gimp. I hop around my house all day with a hot pink cane for a little support. Screaming often happens when I lose my balance and put too much pressure on my injury. But at 11:53pm last night, after automatically leaning towards my foot to see why I was hurting, I realized it was another part of my body aching. It was my heart.

People often talk about the peaks and valleys of marriage, how love is a verb, and even try to categorize people into 5 love groups to better understand each other. I feel like I’ve read it all, seen it all, talked about it all and the only conclusion I’ve come to is that marriage is complicated and takes experience. People are complicated and life is mostly about balance. Unfortunately for me, things have gotten complicated. I have lost my balance both physically and emotionally. Now I must rely on experience.

I married Adrian in September 2011. We’ve had quite an adventure so far. His business has blown up, I’ve gone back to school, and there is no shortage of travel or family in our lives. We’ve both been very blessed. When we got married, I remember distinctly telling Adrian to remember that moment forever and to hold onto the memory of all the people who supported our union. But as the years pass it seems that memory fades just a little more. Other people, places and things become a higher priority, and we have more and more moments of loneliness within our marriage. I can’t say I wasn’t warned about this and told that this is “normal” in relationships. But it still hurts and I feel a sense of loss. Facebook and social media make it easy for us to portray a false reality. One that says, “we have no problems”, “life is great”, and love is always in the air. What it doesn’t show are the lows we march through, the transitions and changes that at times create conflict. I suppose that’s okay, but it’s definitely not the whole story.

During the lows of our marriage, I find myself questioning the whole idea and institution of being tied to one person for the rest of my life. Bearing their weight and baggage… it seems overwhelming. I feel a sense of brokenness and unlike my left foot, there are no pins to place in my heart to keep it from aching. When trying to describe a “low”, I am lost for words. Empty. That’s the only thing I can think of.

I do my best to bring back the dim thought of our wedding day, the people there, and the love I felt. I go through pictures and reminisce over the “highs” we’ve had. I also find it helpful to focus on the feelings in the past when Adrian has done simple things to make me smile. Things like running around the back yard with the dog, picking out a Christmas tree, making me tea, or coming home early from work so he could spend extra time with me. These memories keep me wanting more and help me realize that the lows are just another part of this big picture and our journey together.

If you haven’t figured it out already, I am currently in a low. Physically I only have one functioning foot and emotionally, my heart is half-in. If I put too much pressure on my foot too soon, I could have a whole new set of complications. I believe the same is true with my heart. So I’ve decided to just sit still, contemplate, forgive, and focus on healing my body as well as my soul. I’ve learned that during these lows it’s important to keep compassion for the other person and have some self-control when making decisions. Never make permanent decisions based on temporary emotions. That is the motto I cling to. With this new low, I have decided to wade it through until I am well enough to climb the next mountain. I know eventually I will feel the sun on my face again as we grasp each other’s aging hands and reach another peak.

.beautiful.

This weekend I’ve been surrounded by spit up, diapers, Disney movie marathons, and plenty of Aunt kisses. Yep, I have been babysitting my sisters four kids and my brothers two kids (for un unbelievable total of six children under 12 years old) so they can have some much needed “adult time”. There has been a lot of fun going on but one specific thing has really stuck out over the course of the last 24 hours that I would like to share with my readers.

My niece Shiloh is five years old and quite the blue-eyed chunk of sweetness. She smiles a lot, bats her long lashes, and longs to know the answer to every question. To be around her is like being spritzed with Vitamin C… she just makes you feel good. So last night as I cleaned she tapped my hip to get my attention. It startled me at first, but as I looked down at those big puppy dog eyes she simply said, “Hi Haley.”

“Hi Shi Shi,” I responded, “Do you know how beautiful you are?”

“Yes. I know.“ She said as she lifted her hands to be held.

I picked her up laughing, “Do you look at yourself in the mirror every day and see your beauty, inside and out?”

“Yes. Don’t you aunt Haley?”

I paused. “I guess I should, shouldn’t I.”

I set her down and she ran off to play, but this simple conversation left me thinking… when was the last time I told MYSELF I was beautiful? I couldn’t think of it, although, I could count many times that I had been critical on myself in the last week or so. With that, I walked over to the nearest mirror and looked at myself, pushing the flaws and judgment away and whispered, “you are beautiful.”

In today’s world, every one, especially women are entirely too critical of themselves. Instead of seeing our beauty, our minds immediately see our flaws. Shiloh reminded me that it wasn’t always this way and as adults, we seem to flock like sheep towards negativity. This can completely ruin your outlook on life, love, and ultimately, happiness. I challenge you to walk over to a mirror, and find the beauty in front of you. Make it a goal for the next week or so to start your day like this. I can’t make any guarantees of a life changing experience, but just try it, because it’s better than looking down on yourself. It’s better than being overly critical and it’s better than forgetting your true worth. Try it, because you are beautiful.