The One That Never Was

I wonder what my expression was when, before my time on earth began, I walked into the courtroom to be read my nearing fate. I’m not really a religious person although, I have to wonder what it would have been like to walk into a large room, stand in the center, and have the “Chief of Justice”, “God”, “Big Man” or whatever you want to call Him, read me my life story. I imagine the lights were bright as I entered and I was feeling special, like my story would be something unique. I can almost hear the murmur of the gentleman on the stand next to Our Maker, whispering about what was to come. Then He starts:

“Haley Brooke Jones”, his voice says booming. “You’d better get used to that” he half smiles, winks and flips a page.

“Don’t be frightened young soul, you will live a beautiful life on earth. I will give you a loving mother, a charismatic father, a handful of brothers, and one sister, whom will keep you in line. You will be challenged at a young age, forced to grow up fast, but it will be needed in my plan for you.”

I nod my head as if I actually understand what He meant. In heaven, comprehending a challenge is much harder than it is on earth.

“Ms. Jones, by the age of twenty-five, you will have another family, but not from your own womb. Three beauties and an adoring husband.” He flips a page.

I clap my hands because I’m so happy. I can’t help it!

Understanding pain in heaven is difficult, but joy, that comes easy.

I start to turn because I think it’s over.

I got the life I wanted, I think to myself.

 

“Wait! Young soul. I’m not finished.” His voice deepening.

I face the judges, biting my bottom lip while the lights dim around me and a small spotlight shines directly on my face.

“You my dear are special. Enough so that I am giving you a challenge I don’t give many.” He flips a page.

“At 25, you will start to remember an earlier time in your life. It will be difficult to explain each detail, so you must trust me.” He flips a page. “You will remember a child in which you carried at 19. A boy. It will be a distant memory you chose on earth to cover in shame, like many human beings do. But, because I created you and I get to decide, you will eventually have to deal with that lost child. It will be confusing, you will cry and at times, looking at your husband interact with his children will be painful.”

He stops, looking at me with empathy. “Trust me, you would have been a beautiful mother on earth, but the path I chose for you is different.”

He pauses, looks down at his pages and tucks them away.

I’m confused now. “Will I be happy?” I ask, my voice cracking.

 

“That, young soul, is the challenge.”

The lights go up and I am excused.

 ♦♦♦♦♦

 

It has been a little over 6 years since I miscarried. Indeed, 6 years of burying my emotions about it, keeping myself distracted, and simply ignoring it. But over the past few weekends that I’ve had my stepchildren, I feel a pain that doesn’t subside. Almost like the man upstairs is nudging me, saying, “It’s time to deal.”

Instead of accepting that it might be time to face the fear of never being a biological mom, and the loss of a chance I once had, I have been forcefully trying to escape it; Running away, making up reasons to hide, and justifying my anxiety as something other than the truth. I am finally answering the Judge’s call and admitting that I miss that tiny possibility. The possibility of a child looking at me with eyes that say,

“I need you.”

 

But as the Judge instructed, herein lies the challenge.

I love my husband, I love my step-kids, and without them I know my life would not be as full, funny, or sometimes, beautifully insane. They are the reason I wake up, the reason I look inward, and the hope I see in my future. I’m learning to accept that even if they will never need me the way a child needs their own mother, I know I need them.

Life can seem like a twisted place if you let it. God knows I’ve sat in my pity chair many times, looking for people to brush my hair, give me a cupcake, and kiss me on the forehead. But today I am choosing to let that tiny possibility go, to let my past go and in its place, grow.

I will always be reminded of it, but in order to accept His challenge, I must choose to be happy and move on.

I am no longer a young soul, but an old one. Life has made (blessed) me this way.

We choose to make it beautiful.