25.

It was 1996; The sky was bright blue, the clouds shifting in silence above the heads of 6 bright-eyed children. I was among them, bobbing my long blonde hair in the water, pretending that my legs were somehow connected, swinging them back and forth. I remember the elated feeling of being in the cold water on that warm day, my mom’s eyes closely watching as I played with a group of my friends in our backyard pool. In that moment I was overcome with life. I could be whatever my mind could imagine, whether it was a sleeping beauty, a ninja turtle, or a beautiful mermaid; I was totally unafraid.

Then I blinked.

I’m a freshman in high school, feeling pushed into the unknown and terrified. I had gained a little weight (okay a lot), suffered from low self-esteem, and shy. The sweat from one of my armpits was unforgiving as I prepared myself to meet my older counterparts and sit with classmates twice my size. It was horribly embarrassing, so I withdrew from hugging anyone and of course, never raised my hand in class. I was nervous almost all of the time, hiding it from others by over exaggerating my darker side. I dyed my hair brown, wore mostly black, and kept to myself; I was secluded.

Then I blinked.

Now I’m just 17, although, if I’m being completely honest, I don’t remember much. I had recently moved back from a short stint in California and was just trying to regain a sense of self. I tried alcohol. I tried drugs. I had sex. I forgot a lot and made plenty of mistakes. I was lost.

Then I blinked.

Nineteen years old and living on my own in downtown Salt Lake City. Fate had struck me with some luck and I scored a great job making decent money and I was young hearted for the first time in years. Sure, I was with the wrong boyfriend and had my ups and downs, but I was finally starting to gain my independence and learning to be responsible for my own actions. I stopped blaming my parents for my mishaps and began what would be a blossoming relationship with them both. I found a group of friends who were uplifting, self-encouraging, and free. I was excited.

Then I blinked.

Skip to 2010 and I’m madly in love. I would say this was the kind of love that happens in fairytales but I would be lying because it was much more than that. It was a real love, intense, and familiar yet compromising. It held a depth I couldn’t have dreamed up and with it came a whirlwind of new experiences. I was engaged to be a new wife and step-mom. My confidence was through the roof and life seemed to fly past me with certain rage. I couldn’t contain my hearts desires or my minds rapid thoughts. Nor could I decipher the two from each other. I was free.

Then I blinked and I’m sitting at my computer, right now, condensing my youth on the eve of my 25^th birthday. Thinking back on all of the moments of my past quarter of a century. I look and sometimes my heart sinks with pain. Oh the mistakes I’ve made. Just as quickly, I think of the shining moments, the adventures, and the growth. Oh, my heart soars.

I have experienced more joy than I deserve and more heartache than I would have ever expected, although I recognize I’ve become a better woman for it all. Still, as I reminisce, there is this part of me that wishes I could have changed some things. I wish I could have told my 7 year old self in 1996 to keep her imagination alive. To stay unafraid of the world and what people thought. I wish I could have told her to stay out of hiding in high-school, to shine, and raise both hands. I would have promised her that once she was out of that building and on her own, she’d realize that everyone was just as scared as she was all of those years. After all, we are all human beings battling our own demons.

If I had the chance, I would have changed nothing about being 17. I wouldn’t have even given advice because there is no way she would have taken it. In fact, I have let that part of my life go. It’s forgiven.

At 19 I would have asked her to stay proud of what she believe’s and to keep reaching for her highest potential. Dream big and keep smiling. I also would have mentioned a few boyfriends that were no good and a scary neighbor who I nicknamed “Bucktooth Billy Joe Hansen”… yeah, stay far away from him 19, he’s up to no good.

As for 21, I would have asked her to slow down. Take in the moments without planning your next event. Cherish your friendships because the next few years will test them. I’d suggest that she watches her back in the coming years because people change and so will she. Lastly, 21 deserves a round of applause for making me realize that good exists in everything; you just have to look a little deeper.

Right now as I sit alone, those are just a few things I am promising to remember as I move forward. The rest would be to love unconditionally but don’t make the mistake of being walked on. Set solid boundaries. Be more aware of life’s process, knowing that everything is temporary. This means you better learn to love yourself and gain a sense of independence. Keep laughing, and making crazy videos. Dress up, apply lipstick and throw on your favorite pair of shoes. Nothing is ever guaranteed except your attitude and the way you carry yourself.

Honestly, I have no predictions for the next 25 years because I know better than that. The only thing I know for certain is that I won’t let it pass me by without a few quiet moments to take it in…

Blink.

Dear”S”.

I think it’s time we break up. I know, I’m sorry.

Actually, if I’m being completely honest, I’m not sorry at all. I’ve been wanting to this for a while and I’ve known for a few months that it wasn’t working between us. When I met you in Miami last year, our relationship felt full of promise, love and excitement. But I must say, it’s been a bit tough around the edges.

Some people called you The Year of The Snake and in true form you were majestic but sneaky. At times your approach was more than I could bear, and at other times, it was perfectly centered for my soul. I couldn’t wrap my mind around all of the changes in color, shape, and size you took. Truly Snake, you swept me off my feet many times. I want to thank you for those experiences but respectfully ask you to let me go.

Call it a “love-hate” thing or whatever you wish as long as you don’t wish for an apology from me. I was in over my head when I made many decisions over the past 12 months. I’ll admit that much, but I do so with the knowledge that I did my very best. You’ve changed me unlike anything ever has by forcing me to face my fears. You tested boundaries I never knew existed and opened doors I thought were merely windows. I will miss those exhilarating parts of you.

In return for your kindnesses, I won’t ask for an apology from you either. This is because you’ve continually taught me that sometimes our human need for an apology is unnecessary. It becomes crippling. You’ve also taught me that I’m stronger than any “I’m sorry” anyone could offer.

I also wanted to clarify my gratitude to you for keeping my family safe throughout our time together. You’ve warmed my heart, taught me the value of the people I love most, and what it means to find a quiet moment alone to embrace the stillness. Recently you pointed out that I must face my negative emotions head on, instead of covering them up with all my positivity bullsh*t. Admittedly, you were passive-aggressive from the start, but your technique was heard loud and clear. Maybe it was exactly what I needed. From the winter coffee shop sessions, to the balconies of Barcelona, and the many new faces along the way, it was a wild ride.

Maybe if you aren’t too heartbroken by our recent demise (and I’m assuming you aren’t because you are a year and not a human), you can put in a good word to your friend “The Horse”.  I hear he’s tall, mature, strong on his feet, and unpredictable. Sounds like another crazy adventure starts soon and because of you, if I’m being completely honest, I am ready.

Yours truly,

H

The.Company.You.Keep.

The lights dim, the guitar player starts strumming, hands clap in perfect rhythm and the voice of a Spanish singer guides the movement of a single flamenco dancer who has taken the stage. The dancer is dressed in a beautiful black gown covered in bright sequin embellishments. Her feet follow the singer’s voice, gracefully tracing the movement of the room. The music builds and the singer becomes more passionate. In exactly the perfect moment, the dancer raises her poised hands and takes her dress for a spin while the rest of the group cheers her on. They use words of admiration and encouragement;

“Vale!”

“Ole!”

Everyone on the stage forms a circle so they can watch her, listening, and praising her every move. The audience sits silent. This is her moment and they let her have it.

I saw this stunning flamenco show in Spain while I was there with my husband this past week. The show itself provoked a lot of thought and inspiration for me. I could tell the dancer, guitar players, and singers weren’t just stage performers, they were more than that. They were friends, complimenting each other’s talents. I noticed this once again when the singer took the stage to pour his heart through song and they all stood quiet, adding to the reflection that the he was pulling out of his lungs. The guitar players consistently looked towards the others to add their smiles and excitement to the equation. They never took center stage, although it was apparent that their talents were the unsung hero’s throughout.

The whole performance was magic. It was perfectly in sync.

Since that evening I’ve thought a lot about how the show not only represents beauty and culture, but also carries a deeper meaning; the stage we all dance on in life, and the circle of people who surround us. I’ve contemplated my circle of friends and even provoked some heartwarming conversations with some of my dearest. The symbolism of the flamenco show has surprised me, inspiring me to ask a few new questions.

Do I perfectly sync together with my friends, clapping for them when they achieve greatness?

Do I stand silent, listening patiently and allow them to pour their soul without interfering?

Do I shout encouragements to friends who are under pressure to do their best?

Do I exude my love and smile towards them even when they are outshining me, knowing that at one point or another, I can rely on them to do the same?

The answer is no. I am not in perfect sync with my circle, nor do I expect myself to be. In fact, I believe I am far from it. I’ve had a lot of moments lately that I’ve wondered why some of my friendships blossom, while others slowly dissolve, taking  years and several attempts of repair only to disappear.

I have to remind myself that being a human being means I am selfish, jealous and competitive at times. But as I watched the beautiful woman in black perform with her circle of friends cheering her on, I realized that there are ways to improve my friendships and create optimal (notice I didn’t say “perfect”) rhythm within them. Here are three of the recent “light bulb” moments I’ve had:

First, you must know that there is enough room for everyone in your circle to succeed. Let your competitive side down and allow yourself to be happy for those who are having their moment. You will have your turn to spin in a beautiful dress or sing your heart felt song but until then, be patient and kind.

Second, quit comparing yourself. You have just as many gifts, talents, and beautiful parts of your soul than does anyone else on this planet. Use them, and be sure to cheer on those who have learned to use theirs.

Third, stop talking so much. Learn to listen to the rhythm of others and genuinely hear their voice. Let them guide you for once. Whether they are songs of sadness, frustration, or joy, learn to listen.

If we can all be encouraged to do this within our circles, it would create a very powerful message collectively. It has the potential to create a legacy that exudes acceptance, love, and gratitude in a world that is lacking in all of those departments. Creating an ending we can all stand for, bow, and be proud of when the lights come up and the show is over.

OLE!

The.Porch.

When I was a kid, my summers meant the beginning of a new adventure beneath the Henry Mountains of Southern Utah. The town was called Hanksville and it was here that I hid from the outside world. There wasn’t really anything spectacular in this town. In fact, most people would drive through it and wonder, “why would anyone live here?” Indeed, it was in the middle of the red covered desert, only had one gas station, two small burger shacks, a bed and breakfast, and a grocery store that was the size of the local trailers. Not only this, but the place was known for it’s constant change in population due to the fact that no one stayed long. Most drifters were just looking for a little work before moving on to the next city, but as unlikely as it sounds, I found a sense of self, purpose, and home here.

Hanksville is where my Grandma Joy lived, along with a few other relatives. They were country folk, didn’t ask for much, and worked their tails off among the sage brush. My aunt owned the local eatery called “Blondies” where I earned a little extra cash making shakes for the weary travelers and motorcycle gangs reeving through. I also worked along my grandma’s side selling indian jewelry and making beds at her 3 bedroom bed and breakfast.

As a teen I was able to do far more in this small town than the big city. Here I could drive a four-wheeler, help passerby’s, ride horses, and even drive the car (shh I was 12) to the grocery store to get our favorite snack; 2 ‘Big Hunks’, and a Crème Soda. It literally took about 30 minutes to walk from one end of town to the other, 15 minutes by tractor, 5 minutes by horse. I remember sitting on my grandmother’s porch every night, counting the vast amount of stars in the sky and listening to the coyotes howl in the distance.

As a teen, I felt my busy life at school and in the city had me focusing more on what I wanted to “have” or “do” to prove myself. But here amongst the stairs, I could just be whatever I wanted, a cowgirl, an Indian, or just an awesome burger chief. It didn’t matter. In Hanksville, I was my truest self. I was Haley.

I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about this place and what it meant to me since my grandma’s passing last October. I think about how those quiet moments on her porch shaped who I am and how I view the world.  Many times I thought about how Hanksville contradicted my normal day to day life and what I was being taught to value. Back at home, it seemed we focused more on two things:

1. Increasing your material wealth (what you have)

2. Improving your skills (what you do)

But on that porch and with my Grandmother rocking beside me, there was only one lesson that was emphasized:

3. Developing your “being” (who you are)

As an adult, I have witnessed many people live for the first two. Don’t get me wrong, these are great goals to have, but I believe the most fundamental goal is to develop a good sense of WHO you are during the process. For me, it took travelling to a deserted town every summer to discover who I was over and over again. It gave me an opportunity to accept myself without distraction or expectation. All the things that bothered me back home seemed to disappear, making it easy to live fully in the present. Since then I’ve had to learn how to do this without the stillness of grandma’s porch, but rather, with the added distractions of adulthood.

I feel grateful every day that I have those memories. They encouraged me to push the pressures of adulthood aside and live in the present, leading with the curiosity of my teenage heart. I would encourage anyone reading to take yourself to your quiet place; the ocean, atop a mountain, in a tree, or on the porch. Take yourself anywhere that you can Be Silent, Be Present, Be Conscious, and most importantly, Be You….

(Last year I was able to bring my step-children and husband to Hanksville and show them my country roots, telling them stories of my adventures along the way.)

Certain.About.UnCertainty

“It’s extremely immature to post things like this on the web… Don’t be like the teenage girls who ruin their relationships online.”

“I’m a reader of yours and I wasn’t pleased with this. One thing you don’t want floating around is all your problems. You look desprate..”

These are just a few of the comments I’ve received on my blog lately. Obviously, you can see that they are not very encouraging. I am sharing them with my public audience because I’d like to talk about the uncertainty I stepped into before I began my journey of writing. I’ve been writing since I was a child. Most of it can be found hidden away in my private journal, waiting for someone to stumble upon after I’ve died. Some of it, including much of my experience as a stepparent, newlywed, sister, and friend has been shared publicly on my blog and on the website www.livethroughtheheart.com (LTTH).

When I agreed to allow my writing to be shared with over 1200 subscribers, I was scared to death to share my stories. Scared to be honest. Scared to try. But every time I pushed the opportunity away, something inside me pushed back. Something encouraged me to step out of my comfort zone and start being real. At times I still feel scared and vulnerable but it has been one of the most rewarding and challenging experiences of my whole life. I’ve struggled with the knowledge that not everyone will see my journey in a positive way and sometimes makes me want to close my heart completely.

There are many occurrences in life that we face uncertainty and judgment for the decisions we make. Whether you are a mother, CEO, sister, student, or employee, we all face uncertainty in our actions. What I’ve learned from others and through my experience is that it is our uncertainty in life that sets us free. It was best written by Cort Davies on his new blog An Inspiring Existence when he said, “Without uncertainty and the unknown, life is mediocre and uneventful.  It limits anyones ability to achieve greatness.  It becomes an existence of quiet desperation.” I couldn’t agree more. We are born into an uncertain world, so it’s no surprise that we scramble for security and make ourselves miserable in the process. We weren’t meant to be secure, we are meant to take risks.

Because I jumped into this journey without the knowledge of where it might take me, I started receiving emails and comments that are encouraging, reaffirming my intentions.

“Haley, I just read your post and loved it. It was like you were a fly on my wall… Thank you.”

“Your blog post today was really touching! You are a beautiful writer and I really appreciated what you wrote today… I think what you are feeling is what most people feel and most people don’t have the courage to allow it to be as real as the written words you shared!”

To those of you who are currently uncertain about what you are doing, scared to jump into a new challenge, or just scared. Period. I encourage you to do the thing you are most afraid of. It may be a struggle because change always is, but it is worth every ounce of strength. Don’t let others deter your dreams. Keep reaching for freedom from mediocrity.  Be different and don’t be sorry.

Thank you to my loving husband, stepkids, and family for always supporting me.

Find more on Cort Davies’ blog http://www.aninspiringexistence.com

.Happiness.

He sat grinning ear to ear in a jail cell among a purse thief, a teen who “should have known better”, and an alcoholic who didn’t know where she was yet. The man smiling had innocently cut down a few trees near his property line and it landed him in this cell with the others, facing a hefty fine. A guard walked up and knocked on the bars, fixing his gaze on the cheerful man.

“Why are you smiling?! I wouldn’t be smiling if I were you!” the guard sputtered.

“You can try to make my life hell sir, but you can’t take my happiness. You can’t take my smile.” he politely responded.

Xavier is a friend of mine who lives with his beautiful wife in Spain. I was delighted when he shared this story with me because it truly fits his personality in every way. While he was telling it, he was giddy, laughing about the ridiculous amount of money those trees cost him. You’d think most people would tell a story like this and be upset, holding a grudge and frustrated with the law itself. But not Xavier, he just laughs.

Lately I’ve thought a lot about this story and the many people I know who have gone through the process of divorce. I see how easily individuals get lost in what lawyers, judges, or even friends tell them. It makes it increasingly difficult to listen to your heart when all of those opinions are surrounding you. Personally, I’ve watched my mom, dad, husband, and many others endure great suffering due to this and I’ve been inspired lately to share Xavier’s example of pure happiness.

Whenever someone tries to push you around or manipulate you, smile.

Whenever life throws you a new curve ball, laugh.

The truth is, it works. It has been proved by social scientist Amy Cuddy and her colleagues that your mind follows your body language. In one of her speeches, she explains how our minds react to the position of our bodies. Observe your body right now, are you slumped, legs crossed, head down? Or are your shoulders pushed out, hands on your hips, and head up? Are you smiling, frowning, or straight faced? Either way, it directly affects your mood and your confidence.

As I said, it has been a bit rocky lately trying to push aside the past and rebuild the future but I take relief in knowing that I have control over my own happiness. No one owns it but me. So the next time circumstances test your limits, trying lifting your head, smiling and saying, “you can try to make my life hell, but you can’t take my happiness. You can’t take my smile.”

.Amenamaste.

She woke up quietly, tip toed to the end of her bed, and things went silent. The cool ocean breeze from the bedroom window brushed across my face as I pretended to sleep. I kept anticipating her next move; the shower turning on, steps around the house, breakfast being made, but I heard nothing. Silence. It was just a few moments later that I heard a slight shift near the end of the bed and I understood. My girlfriend Jen was meditating.

After she was finished and walked out of the room I dragged myself out of the covers behind her and started asking questions. I wanted to know how she achieved such a state of mind, how long she had been doing this, where she bought the soft pillow to sit on and the cool metal emblems she held in her hands while she meditated. The feeling in her room that morning was so peaceful, I wanted to know how to relive it. She gave me all the basics, but struck me with a comment that I’ve since thought a lot about.  Jen told me that before she starts mediating, she prays.

“Like, to God?”

“Yeah, to God, the Universe, whatever you believe in.”

Childhood memories of my mother immediately came to my mind. Waking up before school and peeking into her room, observing her on her knees whispering to God. To this day I love that sound, the stillness and peace coming from those quiet whispers. I’ve experienced prayer and meditation in different ways, but never incorporated them together. Call me naive, stubborn even, but I stopped praying when I left my church as a teen. Prayer has been a bit taboo for me since then. Why do it if I’m not religiously affiliated and who should I “whisper” to? All of that was answered this past weekend as I witnessed my good friend praying and meditating at the same time.

This morning I tried it. Before trudging over to the coffee pot like I would normally do, I sat in front of a big window looking out into the world. Crossing my legs, closed my eyes, and with my hands in a meditative position, I prayed. I gave gratitude for the world in front of me; my friends, family and husband. I expressed my appreciation for the guidance I’ve been given throughout my journey, then asked for an open heart and a quiet mind. I whispered, “Amen” and began meditating, ending it with a reverent bow towards the ground and a quiet, “Namaste”.

The experience was uplifting, soothing, energizing and fulfilling all at the same time. I laugh a little when I think about my  failed attempts at meditation in the past. I was missing prayer. I went back to the many years I prayed as a child, feeling disconnected from what I was saying, not knowing the intention behind it. I was missing meditation. I smile as I recognized this new revolution of thought, that religious or not, prayer and meditation make a beautiful couple.

Tomorrow morning, I plan on starting my day the same way and I challenge anyone reading to join me. Before settling into your normal routine, find a quiet place in your home, away from the kids or distractions. Start with a prayer and ask for silence of the mind. Then meditate and observe.

I’d like to thank my friend Jen for our “girls weekend” and opening my eyes to this new idea. Amenamaste.

Mountain.Range

I woke up in the night and arose straight out of my bed, lurched forward, and yelped like an injured dog toward my left foot. This isn’t so abnormal lately, I just had surgery on my foot and as it stands, or lack thereof, I am a gimp. I hop around my house all day with a hot pink cane for a little support. Screaming often happens when I lose my balance and put too much pressure on my injury. But at 11:53pm last night, after automatically leaning towards my foot to see why I was hurting, I realized it was another part of my body aching. It was my heart.

People often talk about the peaks and valleys of marriage, how love is a verb, and even try to categorize people into 5 love groups to better understand each other. I feel like I’ve read it all, seen it all, talked about it all and the only conclusion I’ve come to is that marriage is complicated and takes experience. People are complicated and life is mostly about balance. Unfortunately for me, things have gotten complicated. I have lost my balance both physically and emotionally. Now I must rely on experience.

I married Adrian in September 2011. We’ve had quite an adventure so far. His business has blown up, I’ve gone back to school, and there is no shortage of travel or family in our lives. We’ve both been very blessed. When we got married, I remember distinctly telling Adrian to remember that moment forever and to hold onto the memory of all the people who supported our union. But as the years pass it seems that memory fades just a little more. Other people, places and things become a higher priority, and we have more and more moments of loneliness within our marriage. I can’t say I wasn’t warned about this and told that this is “normal” in relationships. But it still hurts and I feel a sense of loss. Facebook and social media make it easy for us to portray a false reality. One that says, “we have no problems”, “life is great”, and love is always in the air. What it doesn’t show are the lows we march through, the transitions and changes that at times create conflict. I suppose that’s okay, but it’s definitely not the whole story.

During the lows of our marriage, I find myself questioning the whole idea and institution of being tied to one person for the rest of my life. Bearing their weight and baggage… it seems overwhelming. I feel a sense of brokenness and unlike my left foot, there are no pins to place in my heart to keep it from aching. When trying to describe a “low”, I am lost for words. Empty. That’s the only thing I can think of.

I do my best to bring back the dim thought of our wedding day, the people there, and the love I felt. I go through pictures and reminisce over the “highs” we’ve had. I also find it helpful to focus on the feelings in the past when Adrian has done simple things to make me smile. Things like running around the back yard with the dog, picking out a Christmas tree, making me tea, or coming home early from work so he could spend extra time with me. These memories keep me wanting more and help me realize that the lows are just another part of this big picture and our journey together.

If you haven’t figured it out already, I am currently in a low. Physically I only have one functioning foot and emotionally, my heart is half-in. If I put too much pressure on my foot too soon, I could have a whole new set of complications. I believe the same is true with my heart. So I’ve decided to just sit still, contemplate, forgive, and focus on healing my body as well as my soul. I’ve learned that during these lows it’s important to keep compassion for the other person and have some self-control when making decisions. Never make permanent decisions based on temporary emotions. That is the motto I cling to. With this new low, I have decided to wade it through until I am well enough to climb the next mountain. I know eventually I will feel the sun on my face again as we grasp each other’s aging hands and reach another peak.

3.Me.Steps

This past Tuesday was a typical day for me. I woke up around 7:30am, made my coffee, checked emails and prepared for another day at school. Pretty normal stuff until I received an unexpected text message from a friend of mine I hadn’t heard from in over a year.  This friend openly confessed, “I’m struggling. My relationship isn’t going well, I don’t like my job, and I’m very depressed. Any advice?”

As you can imagine, I was a little shocked by her text. She is beautiful, talented, and fun to be around. I had no idea she was having such a hard time and it broke my heart. My reply to her was probably what most people would say under the circumstances. I told her to focus on the positive things in her life and take things just one moment at a time, otherwise, it’s easy to get overwhelmed. Although all of that is true, my advice on how to stay positive and create happiness has shifted. Since her text I’ve thought a lot about times when my life was unhappy. Times involving addiction, feelings of hopelessness, divorce, failing or feeling overwhelmed and emotionally disconnected. I think we all have circumstances that cause us to have times like this. Which is why I’ve narrowed down a small list of things that have drastically improved my situation when I’m feeling blue. I call the list, “3 Me Steps”.

1. Try Something New: This step has been an important part of happiness for me.  Learning a new song, a new language, or just picking up a new book can create positive thought and a healthy challenge. I’ve also found that baking has brought me a lot of joy. Here are some of my favorite things to help you get started.

For my book readers try Mrs. Peregrines Home for Peculiar Children by Ransom Riggs. It is an easy read but a spooky tale that will take you to another world for a moment, fill your mind with imagination, and create a way for you to escape. If you are more into the true stories, try Wild by Cheryl Strayed. This book is about her adventure crossing the Pacific Crest Trail and is an epic true story of her triumph out of emotional darkness.

Anyone looking for a great recipe can try my “Better Than Baked” raw cookie dough bites. No flour, eggs, processed sugar or butter so they are basically awesome!

You will mix the following ingredients into a bowl:

1 Cup Organic Oats

2 Tablespoons of Flax Meal

½ Cup Raw Almond Butter

1/3 Cup Raw Honey

1 Tsp of Vanilla Extract (sometimes I throw in a little more)

Add some dark chocolate chips

Mix it all together and then roll them into balls and place them in a freezer bag to chill for about an hour. I keep mine in the fridge and snack on them whenever I get a sweet tooth! My husband and kids LOVE them!

2. Sweat Once a Day: I know some of you are rolling your eyes, and it’s okay, I hated exercising when I first started. Sometimes I still hate it, but I can’t deny that it has done wonders for my physical and emotional strength. I’ve NEVER regretted the decision to workout. Here is a workout you can do at the gym, at home, or wherever you feel comfortable. Our bodies are amazing machines that when put into use, can naturally change your mood, your abs and your mind. Stop thinking of exercise as a chore, and look at it as your new best friend. You need this!

Warm Up: Pick your favorite Britney Spears song and dance around to it, or run on the treadmill.

50 Jumping Jacks

20 Push Ups

10 Booty Pops

30 Bicycle Crunches

20 Lunges

15 Burpees (ouch, these hurt but they work!)

15 V-ups (look it up on YouTube if you don’t know what these are)

15 Toe Touch Crunches (Legs UP!)

30 Squat Jumps

16 Cheer Kicks (each leg)

Repeat this routine 3 times and I guarantee you will feel the heat. Go for it!

3. Take Yourself on a Date Once a Month: This is a new one for me. I started doing this a few months ago when my husband was traveling for work and I was feeling very lonely. A friend of mine suggested that I stop pouting and use his absence as an opportunity to treat myself extra nice. Here are two ways to accomplish this:

First, make yourself a meal that sounds delicious. It could be comfort food, take-out, or really anything that makes you go “mmmmm”. Then go buy yourself some flowers, light some candles at the table, set out a placemat, turn on some soothing music, and turn the lights down. After your meal, draw a bath or do anything else that is super relaxing for you. Make it YOUR night, and for God’s sake, turn off your phone. Outside distractions can make you feel anxious so turn off the gadgets, sink into a meditative state, and love yourself a little.

The other option I have found really fun is going outside the house and finding a new restaurant, then heading to a movie. Just last Thursday I took myself out for some Thai food and the hilarious movie “We’re The Millers”. It made me smile that I was okay with being alone and I could laugh as loud as I wanted.

The point of all of this is to learn to be confident alone and find ways to treat yourself the way you deserve. The only person who has control over your life is YOU, so start with one or all of these 3 steps and see if they work for you.

I have since talked with my friend who was having a hard time. She has been sending me videos of her singing and trying new things. My hope is that with the continuation of self-love, and the “3 Me Steps” she will become happier and it will help her get through this rough patch. If you have any fun recipes, book suggestions, or want to add to the steps, please fill free to share them on the comments below. What has worked for you? What step will you commit to? I’d love to hear about your experiences via twitter (@haleybee), email, or right here on this site. Good Luck Readers!

The.Void.

I love this time of year. Especially in a place like Utah where we get to see the leaves change, temperatures drop, and the Mormons gather food storage for a long winter (tee hee). Fall represents the end of another memorable summer and for many, a new chapter. School starts, a chill sets in and we begin planning our next Halloween costume. With so many changes and new beginnings forming, its no wonder lately I’ve been feeling lost in what I call “the void”.

The void happens to everyone and is best characterized by those quiet moments in your head when you go searching for meaning. I mostly feel it when I’m alone and I’m wondering what I’m doing with my life, if I’m making good decisions, and how to handle difficult situations. I find that the void enters when I question myself, question a higher power, or question my relationships. It also shows up when I’m lonely. Basically, I feel it when I’m insecure or when a new change or challenge is looking at me in the face.

Over the years it has been interesting to watch myself deal with these feelings. I’ve looked for resolve in all the wrong places including alcohol, anti-depressants, partying too much, watching The Kardashians (this will be the only time I admit that), and forcing relationships I know aren’t good for me.

I think most people would describe the void with negative connotations similar to the ones I just listed. But I’ve also seen myself do really positive things when I feel it. Things like going back to school, exercising more, reaching out to a good friend, meditation, writing, or trying something new.

The point is, the void has a great purpose in our lives. When we wake up and feel lonely or scared about a new day facing us or maybe just confused about what our purpose is, it is essential to our lives. Without the void, we could never feel real joy, true happiness or love. Without it, we could never feel sadness, depression, or emotional pain. Really, the void is just the middle ground before your next opportunity to feel human.

So next time you feel it, whether it’s the morning before you start your job or just another evening at home, remember that those feelings have a purpose and they are temporary. I urge everyone to accept it as another place our hearts must rest. Next time you feel it, I invite you to embrace it. Don’t look for ways to cover it up. Just step gracefully into the void.